Surprise, Surprise
by A Beautiful Sleeper
Summary: Who is really worse: those who read fanfiction, or those who write it?


"Hey, Kyoya…would you come here a second?" came the nearly omnipresent wheedling yet demanding voice of the Host King from his chair in the middle of Music Room #3. Kyoya sat back in his own chair, contemplating the benefits of ignoring the request as opposed to the consequences of responding before deciding to finish up the line of data he had been entering.

"Kyoya…" came a second, slightly more whiny interjection. Kyoya gritted his teeth in mild irritation. "Can it not wait a few more minutes? I find that all these constant interruptions make it significantly more likely that I'll end up making an error in my calculations, and the last thing we as a club need is a financial error to the tune of hundreds of thousands of yen. It can be difficult enough to generate revenue when certain individuals refuse to cooperate with photo shoots…" Kyoya responded, with a cough that sounded suspiciously like "Haruhi". The girl in question rolled her eyes and went back to her reading assignment, not particularly feeling like rising to the bait Kyoya was so obviously trying to use to connive her into an argument that would no doubt end up benefitting him in some twisted way.

"But Kyoyaaaaaaaaa" Tamaki picked up, now in full begging mode. "I thought you said the other day that you'd do anyth-mmmph!" It is significantly harder to speak when someone has their hand over your mouth, or so Tamaki was coming to find out.

"Tamaki…what did I tell you about talking about that particular aspect of our 'relationship' in a public forum?" Kyoya hissed through his teeth, hand still tightly clamped over Tamaki's mouth. Tamaki's response was extremely muffled due to the presence of that hand, but Kyoya could tell by the look in his eyes that he was trying to say sorry, and was getting ready to go into full-on puppy dog pout mode. One of the twins looked up in mild interest, but looked back down at whatever silly doodle his brother had just drawn with a snicker, distracted once more. Kyoya gave a discreet look around the room to see if anyone else was paying attention to Tamaki's slip of the tongue before removing his hand. "Now what is it, since you've convinced me to come over here? And it better not be another picture of kitties or puppies or small children playing in mud…" he mumbled, remembering only too well how many times in the last few weeks Tamaki had called, texted, emailed, and generally summoned him to look at pictures of all of the above.

Tamaki laughed. "No, nothing like that. Something much more intriguing…and probably more up your alley, as the commoner saying goes. It's much more words than pictures. Very intellectual." He tilted the screen of his laptop so that Kyoya could see it better.

Kyoya's eyes scanned down the page rapidly, growing more and more concerned the more he read. "Tamaki…what is this? No, that isn't even the most important question I have, though I have so many. Who wrote these? And…why? This doesn't even make any sense."

Tamaki's eyes were practically sparkling at this point. "Isn't it obvious? There are some girls, fine young ladies at this wondrous institution who love us so much, who care so much about all of us, that they have taken it upon themselves to write this 'fanfiction' about us! There are even some of them who go so far as to create 'fan art' and other such things in honor of us! Some of them are really quite good, you know," he said, contemplatively. "There are of course some of them who are a little lacking in finesse and characterization, but on the whole I find it quite flattering. There's something for almost every situation you could possibly imagine, with almost everyone getting a few good stories. I mean, some of us are obviously easier to write than others," he gestured vaguely at himself, "but even taking that into account I think there's excellent representation for all of us. And," he lowered his voice, "some of it pairs various members of the club together in a, well, hmm, how to put it…less than innocent way. Including you and myself. And in some of the strangest situations, too! But anyways, I found this one story that…"

Kyoya had been slowly blanching and then reddening throughout Tamaki's little rambling in an uncharacteristic show of emotion, but at this he managed to find his voice once more.

"Kindly get this away from me. I have no interest in reading the poorly-written fantasies of some easily-manipulated, emotional, hormonal teenage girls regarding the members of this club. And I do not feel like you should be, either. Go back to your puppies and other small animals," he said, straightening his posture and preparing to head back to his seat. However, upon turning around he found himself face-to-face with those devil-twins, wearing matching shit-eating grins.

"Fanfiction, you say?" said Hikaru (Kaoru? Who even knows?), side-stepping Kyoya to peer over Tamaki's shoulder.

"Someone's been looking at naughty things, Hikaru. I mean, just look at this…'Tamaki x Kyoya slash, Buffy the Vampire Slayer AU. Beware, this is lemony, and this is slashy. Don't like, don't read!' I'm not even certain I know what these terms mean, but I can certainly guess…"

Tamaki slammed his computer shut, blushing profusely. "Are you two completely unable to respect me, your Host King? Stop reading over my shoulder! I can't allow my darling Haruhi, my precious little girl to hear that kind of talk! What would she think of me?"

The twins looked at each other and shrugged. "You were the one looking at it, boss. It's neither here nor there if we read it over your shoulder. The fact that you're a pervert doesn't change if no one else knows it. You're still a pervert."

Haruhi shrugged as well. "Senpai, it isn't like I didn't already know about that kind of stuff. You should have met some of the girls at my old school…" Tamaki floundered, seemingly at a loss for words and flailing his arms around.

Kyoya spoke up again. "Enough. I don't want to hear another word about any of this. I am certain we all have better things to do with our time than discuss this." The twins slunk back off to their seats, and Tamaki crawled over to his preferred pouting seat behind one of the columns near the wall.

Returning to his laptop, Kyoya opened up a tab in a private window of his browser. He had been getting ready to post his latest work when Tamaki called him over, and he needed to finish filling in the description before he could submit it.

"This is the tale of how our beloved hosts Tamaki and Kyoya became friends, instead of mere opponents. Lawyers AU, rated M for later chapters. R and R please!" He pressed submit.


End file.
